The Catherine Blog

My sister and I had not spoken for ten years. My mother had been rushed to the hospital with a ruptured appendix and I was on a plane winging my way to her side and into the city that my sister now resided in. I couldn't possibly avoid seeing her. She is a nurse.

She would definitely be involved with my mother's care.  My mind wandered to the possible scenarios for our first meeting. Would we fall into each other's arms and forgive all in the shadow of my mothers serious condition or would I  be met at the airport with a sign that read GO  HOME? Would I be allowed to see my mother? Would there be any support for me if the unthinkable happened?  

If your like me and have been estranged  from one or more members of your family, then any event that brings you together can be fraught with anxious expectaton and buried resentments.

If you want to change your realtionship with someone you can. Changing the way your relate to them will change the relationship. To do this takes preperation and practice.

1. Have a realistic goal.  

             Family get togethers are not a good place to express your pentup feelings of anger, sadness or fear. Often people attend them when long held in feelings. Those of us who are sensitive to the tension in the room have a difficult time modulating our own expression.  Sit down with a friend who is comfortable with venting, or a professional and do an empty chair exercise. This active exercise when you imagine the person you resent is sitting across from you in the empty chair. You then tell them with as much emotion as you can muster, just exactly what you have always wanted to say to them...get it all off your chest. This will help you modulate your own feelings at the reuinion.

Find three positive words to describe yourself today and three positive words to describe each of the people you hope to bridge your relationship with. Write them down. EFT and the Sedona method are also helpful for letting go of resentments.

2. Have a plan

            A strategy is a long term action plan that is in line with your goal. I recommend that it include role playing your first meeting with each of the family members that you have been estranged from. Practice what you are going to say and how you are going to respond to all the possible scenarios  check with your friend or professional 

          For example if you have not spoken or been in contact for years...be prepared to be ignored or welcomed as a long lost friend.  Have responses that will redirect them from discussing the situation or the issues that caused the estrangement. Have an exit plan.

3. Have an open mind. Events plus perception equal experience or our memory of the event.

Although we may experience the same events in our families our preception is rarely the same.  Perception is often unique and therefor pointless in arguing.

Arguing about your siblings perception of events when they don't match yours can and often does cause pain for all involved.

                  4.     At the event

remember to breathe....this is really important, if we are not breathing we are not thinking, if we are not thinking we can not follow our strategy and we are much more likely to be reactive( go back to our old pattern)

                  5.    Ask yourself frequently, How old do I feel? Often family events bring us back to childhood...so we may feel 10 or 14  or 2.  Don't worry its normal. Remind yourself that you are now an adult have your own life and you came with a strategy. Remember the words that describe you. When looking at or talking to the relatives that you want a better realationship with, think of the positive words you chose to describe them..

So remember, be realistic, release old feelings,  have a plan, take an open mind, breathe,  its normal for children to fight  and  your grown up now.